The other day the topic of cheetah’s came up, because that’s what usually happens in casual conversations. If you haven’t had a casual conversation about cheetah’s, then you’ve never had a true casual conversation. The thing about cheetahs is that they are fast. Real fast. Far too fast for their own good. They are humble though, because even though they are the fastest creature on the earth, they haven’t used it to take over the world. At least that’s what I thought.

Our conversation turned into a shouting match over which elemental state was better; liquid or solid. Solid is, obviously, but when we stormed away I couldn’t help wondering why cheetahs haven’t taken over the world. When I started looking deeper into it, I began to realize something quite unsettling.

They already have.

To understand their scheme, we have to start with what drives cheetahs. What do they desire the most? That’s simple. Food. Food is their motivation, but what do they eat? Well, their ancestors, the saber tooth tigers, used to eat humans on a regular basis and nearly drove us to the point of extinction. It was then, I suppose, they realized something important. They need us. They need to eat us to live, and if we are all gone, they’ll starve, or have to eat something less delicious. Knowing this, they began a long and complex effort to secure us as a food source for future generations.

Instead of killing us off, they let us reproduce and survive. However, as we grew in population, they found it difficult to maintain their culture with the distraction of food so prevalent. To prevent their temptations from getting the best of them, they began herding us to other locations away from the Savannah by leading a massive fear campaign.

They executed many savage slaughters and spread rumors of faraway lands free of Cheetah’s. This caused us to move away to other places and tectonic plates to escape the danger they posed. This has worked out well for them. Our population has boomed, and we’ve become one of the most numerous animals on the planet. However, we have also developed new ways of defending ourselves against predators, even Cheetahs. We aren’t the defenseless cavemen we used to be. Now we have guns, missiles, and nukes. To counter this, cheetah’s implemented their final phase of world domination – the introduction of fast food.

Fast food is delicious and makes us fat. This serves two purposes. First, if we are too fat to reach missile launch buttons or our guns, we’ll be defenseless against a cheetah invasion. Second, not only will we be mostly immobile and easy to hunt, we’ll also be larger and plumper to feed a booming Cheetah population.

By manipulating our desire for fatty foods and sugary drinks, they created establishments that could make irresistible food at low prices. They executed their plan in America, knowing that because of capitalism and the free market, fast food chains would be wildly successful. They knew what we were eating was unhealthy and terrible for us, but that isn’t their goal. They want us to become fatter, tastier, and less mobile for them. We can clearly see the booming popularity of fast food chains as they spread across the globe with little to no resistance, even overcoming significant concerns of its effect on our health and well-being.

These cheetahs are smart, for as we get fatter, we slowly fall victim to their diabolical plan. Soon they will strike, and we’ll be too fat and defenseless to even attempt to get a gun, or a knife, or any other weapon to defend ourselves against them. The world as we know it will be transformed into a giant farm of cheetah food, and we won’t be able to do anything about it.

The facts are out there for anyone to see. We willfully ignore them and choose the complacency of our cushy lives. We even welcome their little spies into our lives in the form of “house cats.” We care for and feed these traitors as they continue to gather information about us to relay to their cheetah overlords.

I have no intention of doing anything about it because I’ll be long gone by the time they come to kill us, but I’m on to them.